When you painted the nursery, you had some ideas about how things might turn out. Maybe a doctor, or a teacher like you. A house nearby. Grandkids on Sundays.
Instead, your son is a tattoo artist in Austin. Your daughter is 38, happily single, and spends her vacations hiking on her own. Your youngest moved to Scotland for a job and stayed.
It’s normal for that gap to bring up questions, and sometimes a quiet worry that you did something wrong. But how a child turns out isn’t a report card on their parent. Children are shaped by their own temperament, their friends, their luck, and a hundred choices that were never yours to make. Every parent also gets things wrong along the way.
No list can sum up years of parenting. But some things about the relationship you have now are worth noticing, especially when their lives look nothing like what you pictured.
1. They tell you about their lives, including the parts you might not like
Table of Contents
- 1. They tell you about their lives, including the parts you might not like
- 2. They make big decisions without asking your permission
- 3. They come to you when things go wrong
- 4. You’ve seen them be kind when nobody was keeping score
- 5. They can apologize
- 6. They’ve kept some family traditions and let others go
- 7. They can tell you what you got wrong
- 8. You like who they are, not only who you hoped they’d be
- Something to try
Your son calls to say he and his girlfriend are moving in together. He knows you’d have preferred they marry first. He tells you anyway, himself, before you hear it from a cousin.
Telling a parent something they may not approve of takes some trust. It suggests he expects the conversation to survive the news.
You can receive news like that without approving or disapproving of it: “Thanks for telling me. When’s the move?” Your own feelings about it can wait for another time, or another person to talk them through with.
2. They make big decisions without asking your permission
Your daughter calls to say she’s taken a nursing job in a small town four states away. She isn’t asking what you think. She’s telling you.
That can sting. For years, decisions went through you. But an adult who can weigh a big choice and make it on their own is often what parents hope for in the end.
You can miss being consulted and still be glad she can decide.
3. They come to you when things go wrong
The layoff. The breakup. The test result they’re scared about. At some point, the phone rings and it’s them.
It may not be the first call they make. Partners, friends, and siblings often come first, and that’s normal for an adult. But if you’re somewhere on the list of people they turn to on a bad day, that means something.
When the call comes, the most useful thing is often the simplest: “I’m so sorry. What do you need?”
4. You’ve seen them be kind when nobody was keeping score
At your mother’s 90th birthday, your son is the one who sits with her for an hour, listening to the same story about the farm. At a restaurant, your daughter learns the server’s name and leaves a generous tip on a small bill.
You don’t have to take credit for it. Kindness comes from many places. But you’re allowed to notice it, and to be glad it’s there.
5. They can apologize
Your daughter snapped at you over dinner, and the evening went flat. The next morning, she texts: “I was short with you last night. I’m sorry. Work has been a lot.”
Being able to say “I was wrong” is something many adults find hard. Maybe she learned it from watching you apologize to her. Maybe she learned it somewhere else entirely.
Either way, it’s part of what makes a relationship between two adults possible.
6. They’ve kept some family traditions and let others go
Your son still makes the Saturday pancakes you made when he was small, now for his own kids, chocolate chips and all. He doesn’t go to church anymore, and he doesn’t do the big Christmas Eve dinner your family always hosted.
It can hurt to see some traditions end. But choosing what to carry forward can mean they’ve looked at what they grew up with and kept what mattered to them. The pancakes made the cut.
7. They can tell you what you got wrong
“You were always working when I was little. I used to wait up for you.”
It’s hard to hear, and your first instinct may be to explain: the mortgage, the boss, the double shifts. Some of that may be worth saying later. But first, it helps to just listen.
“I didn’t know you waited up. I’m sorry. Tell me about it.” A child who can say something difficult to a parent, and a parent who can hear it, are still building the relationship, decades in.
8. You like who they are, not only who you hoped they’d be
You’d never have picked a tattoo studio for your son. But you’ve watched him talk a nervous first-timer through her appointment, and he’s funnier than he was at 16. You like spending time with him.
This sign is about you, not them. Letting go of the life you imagined for a child, and getting to know the one they actually have, takes time. Liking the person in front of you is a good place to have arrived.
Something to try
Next time you see one of your adult children, tell them one specific thing you’ve noticed and like about who they’ve become. Something you actually saw. After watching your son with that nervous first-timer, you might say: “I liked how you gave her a minute when she got nervous. You could tell she appreciated it.”
Say it once, then move on to whatever’s next. It doesn’t need a speech.
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